Bad Analogies

NaNoWriMo will shortly be upon me, and my brain will be focused onto word count and plot device and word count.  A friend from work while cleaning out some paper work found a list titled, "Twenty Eight Reasons Why English Teachers Die Young; Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays".   I have no idea where this list was generated from, but it provided me more than one laugh that I felt that I needed to share.  All spelling, punctuation and word choice on the list, are exactly as found on the list. I curbed my urge to correct minor errors for the integrity of the list. Thank you Heather for some NaNo inspiration!

Twenty Eight Reasons Why English Teachers Die Young; Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had it's two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making a breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room- temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had and eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy come on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. 
29. They were deeply in love. Her chest was heaving, like a college freshman's on one dollar beer night. 

Yes, there are 29 items on a list of 28. It just adds to my amusement. Hopefully this list gave you a couple of chuckles the way it gave me a couple. 

Bacon is My Jam

I enjoy canning. There is something about it that give me a feeling of accomplishment. It might have something to do with the fact that when I am done I can physically see what I have accomplished and there are not to many things in life that are like that. It might also have something to do with preparing for the inevitable end of the world and when that happens I will have at least a well stocked larder to get me through the nuclear winter.

It seems like since the cookbook challenge ended, I quit writing about trying new recipes and I have slowed down on trying new recipes.  That is only partially true. I haven't been hitting the cook books all that hard, but I have tried several new recipes as of late.  I have not felt compelled to write about every single new kitchen adventure as it happened, until I came across Bacon Jam. This now one of the favorite new recipes for canning and it is out of the Better Homes & Gardens Canning Summer 2015 magazine that I picked up on an impulse at the grocery store.

When it comes to canning, I look for something that is unique that I will use. I don't want to can something just to have it and then never eat it. It is a waste of food and time.  When I happened across Rebecca Lindamoods article and recipe on how to make Bacon Jam, I knew immediately that I would eat that.  The recipe was amazingly easy and it made my house smell delightful.  The smell of bacon cooking for hours wafting out of my kitchen window may have made some of my neighbors green with bacon jealousy. I know that it made my cats a little crazy and they hung out in the kitchen corners hoping for crumbs while I was jarring.

It isn't all about the smell, because it also tastes like a slice of heaven.  Kaiser roll smeared with bacon jam with a fried egg and sharp cheddar makes the taste buds sing and dance and is a right proper way to great the morning. Bacon jam has become become my jam.  It has found its way into my freezer, but is having a hard time staying there.  I would highly suggest if you are of the bacon eating mind, that you check this out.  It is delicious.

Porcelain

Sometimes it takes me a while to make head way in my to be read pile. It monsooned over the weekend which gave me ample opportunity to curl up with a book and a glass of wine. From deep with in the stacks came Porcelain A Gothic Fairy Tale by Benjamin Read and Chris Wildgoose.

When I think of a gothic fairytale, I think about Jane Eyre and architecture but mostly Jane Eyre. This story reminded of some of my favorite parts of Jane Eyre.  Jane Eyre is a piece Of classic literature that has a lot going on and most of it being examples of good things going bad. I would say the same is true with Porcelain. Porcelain is a beautiful dish that gets cracked and can never get back its original perfection which is what makes  it a perfect gothic fairytale. 

The art is well done and it fits the tone of the story very well. There are layers upon layers that make me want to go back and read it again and examine the pictures to see if there are any other nuances that I may have missed.  I am pleased with this addition to the ever growing graphic novel library.